Giving Feedback
involves Challenge. Authenticity. and a stack of Connection requests.
1.Get support in place. Practice what you want to say. Resource yourself somehow. Have someone to debrief it with.
2.Name the challenge in stepping towards this conversation and your motivation for doing it
“It feels challenging to say this. I’m concerned you are going to react but I want to do this to support our connection/friendship/working relationship.”
‘I want to do this for my own sense of integrity’
‘I want to do this to support my own learning and healing journey’
(3.Optional step. Acknowledge their intention when doing the thing that caused harm - but don’t get derailed with the intention, stay focussed on giving your feedback)
“When you said …., I acknowledge that you were:
● Working with the resources you have
● trying to help
● doing the thing that is expected of you.”
Or, I'm not assuming your intent was malicious, but i need you to know it had a huge impact on me
4.Name the impact on you
“What you said had an impact on me, I felt:
● (any felt sense) tightness in my chest
● (any feeling) annoyed / scared / concerned.”
5.Name your need and why the action didn’t meet that need or denied that need
“I’m really wanting space to do things for myself and for my own expertise to be seen and heard. What you said had an impact on me. I want to be valued equally.”
6.Ask for what the other person is hearing (Connection Request)
“What are you hearing me say?”
7.Break it down and clarify if they mishear, or respond with defensiveness or aggression. You might need to focus on a smaller chunk of what you want heard if they are reacting or overwhelmed.
“It sounds like you were hearing me attack you. That’s not what I’m doing right now. I want you to know that what you did had an impact on me. Just that. Can you acknowledge that?
8.Once it’s clear that they have heard one thing that you wanted heard. You could ask, (another connection request)
“And how is it hearing this?”
If they react defensively in any way, it’s likely that what you said is quite hard for them to hear because it’s new information, or because their privileged/power position means they cannot see/relate to what you are saying.
If the conversation is now going in a direction you don’t want, interrupt and name this.
“It sounds like what I said is actually hard to hear. I’m wondering if you need some time to integrate this. I suggest we stop for now and can continue another time.”
9.If there is flow and openness, you could complete with one of these follow up requests/questions/comments:
Can we talk about what strategies you will prioritise in the future for self care or relationship care (whatever is relevant)?
What have you learnt/appreciated about having this conversation?
The following acknowledgements might support the flow of the conversation.
Let’s proceed with the acknowledgement that:
1. We all make mistakes
2. We all don’t know what we don’t know
3. None of us invented this system we are operating in but we do have power and agency to change it
4. If I had had the other person’s experience and life, I might be doing exactly what they are doing
5. We are ultimately more alike than we care or dare to admit
6. We need each other, ultimately. Even those we don’t like or those who have harmed people. We need them to be well so the cycle of violence doesn’t continue.
To people in marginalised positions:
It’s very important to acknowledge that it’s fallen on people in marginalised positions of less power: people of colour, women, LGBTQ+, working class people, to name exploitation, violence and harm. Know that you don’t need to have this conversation alone. Collective responses could be safer, less exhausting, less triggering and traumatizing. Get someone or some people to be with you. Get mediation support. However, it can be empowering and healing to express yourself in a relationship of power imbalance.
The first step involves naming how challenging or scary it feels to say what you are about to say. You might find this scary to say as it’s an act of making yourself vulnerable by sharing your feeling state. However, there is some benefit to you in naming this. It offers a supportive acknowledgement to your own inner experience of what having this conversation is like. It will sometimes mean the other person might be more attentive to what you are going to say because you have named it is challenging to do so.
Ultimately, your healing and wellbeing is not dependent on the other person. Put the measure of success on your own level of self-care rather on what they say or do and the extent to which they change their behaviour.
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Here is a shorter outline of the same process which might suit your needs more in certain situations.