How to name your experience clearly
Focus on you when having challenging conversations
In relationship, conversations and in mediation, it can be useful to talk about things that have been painful for you to experience. The following is based on Nonviolent Communication (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request)
I like framing conversations about difficult things that you have experienced in the following way.
1. Naming what happened – what the other person said or did.
2. Focus on the impact on you, what you experienced and your feelings (rather than continuing to focus on the other person)
3. Focus on your needs, your values or what is important to you that wasn’t lived up to in the situation
This could sound something like,
“When I read your email, I felt really lost because I need inclusion and to be heard.”
Notice the two I statements .. I felt lost because I need inclusion.
Another way of saying it which might sound more natural is the following:
“When I read your email, I felt lost because being included and hearing from everyone is so important to me.”
The reason this is helpful is that it focusses fully on you, what happened to you, the impact on you and on your values. If this gets heard, then you and your experience is validated.
If, on the other hand, you spend your time saying that what the other person has done is wrong, toxic, outrageous or whatever, you spend your energy focussing on them.
Your experience actually gets lost.
As stated above, this is based on Nonviolent Communication, which also involves a Request. One doable request can be ‘Can you let me know you are hearing me now?’ or ‘Can you acknowledge how hard this has been for me?’
Here are two lists of ‘Needs’ (your values .. what’s important to you). The lists are the same, you might prefer a colourful one or one without background colour. You can use these lists to help you uncover your real needs in Step 3. You can also download the lists here.
Here is a more indepth way of Giving Feedback with some acknowledgement of the complexities.