What happens in a mediation?
Getting clear on the purpose of the mediation is an important first step
Contents
The challenge of mediation
The purpose of mediation
How to prepare for mediation
Communication before a mediation
What is the purpose of pre-mediation conversations?
When is mediation not an appropriate strategy?
What happens after a mediation?
1. The challenge of mediation
The challenge with mediation is that it’s not a common practice; we aren’t taught about it as we grow up in our families and schools. These days, the idea of it is becoming more widespread, (the UK government has made it mandatory to consider mediation for divorcing couples before going to court), but still the practice of it is not familiar. Our nervous systems don’t have experience of what it’s like to name impact on us, to hear impact we have caused being named and to be in the discomfort of the mediation process. So people come to mediation when in deep distress/crisis, which is not usually a good time to take on something new and unknown.
In addition to this, conflict is often related to power imbalances, not enough or inadequate structures and procedures in place, so the hurts sustained are in the context of a desperate need for better structure. And this needs time to be addressed.
2. The purpose of Mediation
Still, it can be supportive. It's helpful to get clearer about what you hope for from the mediation process. In simple terms, your purpose might be:
To get some shared reality about what has happened
To be heard for how the situation has impacted each person
To understand a bit more the other person’s experience
To restore enough trust and willingness so you can move forward, however uncomfortably
(for organisations/teams)To agree what systems or procedures need implementing or reviewing
To agree which next steps work for everyone
To agree parameters for future communication
To experience a sense of achievement for the dialogue or a sense of closure, if appropriate.
3. The intentional forum of mediation
A mediation is not a legal process in which the aim is to find culpability. Grievances can be surfaced and heard through a mediation process, but this is not the same as a Grievance process.
However, a mediation can be an adequate forum to acknowledge responsibility for actions. What I mean by forum is a space with an increased sense of purpose and intention towards acknowledgement, understanding,reconciliation, healing, hope, care and progress. It is in this forum, with these intentions, that people share what has happened, hear other people and try to find a way forward.
Very often, people will have already said things that they want to say in a mediation by email, text, in meetings or conversations. Apologies may even have been given, but have you ever received a ‘sorry’ by text? It doesn’t really do anything for the bigger hurts. The intentionality of the mediation means your communications are more likely to be heard and received.
What is said in mediations is witnessed by the mediator and anyone else present. It can be helpful to have other people in the mediation, not directly impacted, who offer their grounded, compassionate presence, or supportive care for one or more people in the mediation.
Mediation, for me, is a very sacred process whereby people are trying to speak their truths, hear each other’s, with dignity, after very painful things have happened.
4. How to prepare for mediation
The bare minimum structure of a mediation is:
a preparatory chat with each person involved
a coming-together dialogue if you all feel ready
some kind of follow up.
That could work if people are feeling resourced and ready to talk. If you have time and resources to process, integrate and heal from what’s happened (either with me or through other strategies), you can do that alongside the mediation process.
I share Pre-Mediation care suggestions with people I am mediating with.
If you don’t have time and resources for this, then maybe mediation isn’t an appropriate strategy, or not for now.
5. Communication before a mediation
Before the setting up of a mediation, communication might be difficult. Here are a few options which might support you:
· To have no communication except via the mediator and focus on your own healing and integration
· To communicate only things that are substantive/essential (eg if you have shared responsibilities)
· If one particular medium is the place of challenging communication, restrict communication from that channel (eg if voice messages have become challenging, agree to only communicate by email)
· To agree to be kind
6. What is the purpose of pre-mediation conversations?
To build connection and trust between facilitator and participants
To provide an opportunity for participants to unburden themselves of what they have been carrying around this situation
To check if a mediation is appropriate for this situation
To check if the process makes sense, not only what’s going to happen, but why it’s going to happen
To check what other preparatory work is necessary before a mediation
To check if you are willing to go ahead with this process
7. When is mediation not an appropriate strategy?
Mediation is actually a hopeful activity; if you are hopeful that some progress can be made and that you will be better off by speaking about things. Sometimes dialogue isn’t suitable. Consider these situations:
When intensity of feeling is so strong that one or more parties have very little capacity to consider the other’s perspective, or they can hear only criticism from the other.
When someone suffers from extreme anxiety and a dialogue is just too stressful
When trust has been eroded so much, that it’s too difficult to believe what is being said, or agreed to.
When there is a history of domestic, or other, violence which increases the likelihood that one person might punish the other for things said in a mediation meeting
In all of these cases, it’s important that people have individual support for healing and learning.
It’s also important to recognise when a mediation of several meetings is no longer serving people and another strategy is needed.
8. What happens after a mediation?
After a mediation, you may be left with much still to process. You may have greater understanding, renewed connection and some next steps clearer. You might experience something of a ‘Vulnerability Hangover’ after sharing or hearing uncomfortable things. There may still be parts of your experience that haven’t been fully integrated. And you may be left with a sense of overwhelm or despair at the extent of change that is required in your organisation or relationships.
Here are some things you can do yourself to help that process of integration.
I will follow up with further support where necessary, and sometimes create a written report for next steps.
Expect to have insights after the mediation with the benefit of time and space.
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Why cactus?
The cactus is my favourite symbol of what’s needed in relation to conflict. A cactus can endure extreme conditions and keeps growing. It produces beautiful flowers and nourishing fruit. In a planet that is getting warmer and suffering more from drought (not in the UK but elsewhere), these plants seem to be wayfarers for us. I have been growing cactus from seed and propagating plants since the pandemic.