10 considerations that can support your experience of mediation

or conflict process ... or 'clear the air conversation' ... or difficult conversation

(Note on Why Cactus? below)

1. It’s possible to disagree

A mediation is a process that supports people to disagree and be in divergent perspectives. With preparation and support, you can begin to believe in the possibility of naming what has happened to you and being heard. Underpinning this approach is the belief that disagreement and diversity of perspectives is the path to creating solutions that work for everyone.

2. What’s the thing that isn’t being heard?

People in conflict don’t tend to find agreement on their versions of the truth, their opinions or beliefs. We agree on practical steps. If you are intent on convincing people about something, it’s because something in what you are saying is not being heard, you might want to consider what exactly this is and find a way to communicate that. Trying to convince people of your version of events can be a fruitless task.

3. Listening and understanding doesn’t mean you agree

If you can make attempts to hear another person’s  perspective, this generates the conditions for others to hear yours.

Just because we are allowing space for someone else’s experience, it doesn’t mean we are letting go of yours, even if the experiences are conflicting and vastly different. It’s the inclusive and diverse approach of Both your experience and theirs which is helpful

Sometimes, I find a barrier to listening to someone else’s perspective is a fear that there will be less space for yours, or that whatever the person has done will be justified or condoned.

This is not easy. It’s not easy to listen to someone’s perspective that feels in contradiction to yours or to listen to someone whose actions have hurt you. Deeply understanding what was motivating the other person, can support you in your healing and integration. More on how this is possible here.

Mediators and other people in the process are also present to listen to everyone’s perspective.

4. Focus on observable actions and their impact on you

In your preparation work, focusing on observable actions and separating them from the hurt you experienced is going to be useful. Notice the difference between “When you didn’t call me for a month, I felt devastated.” and ‘It’s just inexcusable that you didn’t call for a month’. This actually allows more space for your experience and could be part of your healing and integration.

5. Understanding and naming nervous system responses 

Nervous system responses are when we are in Fight, Flight, Freeze or also Fawn (‘being nice’ to keep the peace). 

All of our responses are completely understandable because they are actually trying to keep us safe. Yet they can have consequences, and negative impact on yourself and on others.

It can be helpful in mediation to acknowledge nervous system responses but not merge with them or act them out. This could be something we practise in the preparation meeting.

It can be helpful to name when you are wanting to run away.  If you go quiet, I’ll check in on you, as this could be a freeze response, which needs some support to name. Someone else could say ‘I really want to shout down what you just said. But I’m going to sit and listen a bit more.”

This is supportive to allow a bit of space for your nervous system response without derailing the process. The mediator is present to be a buffer between the naming of a person’s nervous system response (which is not without consequences) and other participants.

6. About access to structural power (or relative ease of meeting your needs)

 Conflict is a fractal, the conflict that happens inside ourselves, mirrors the conflict that happens with our loved ones, which mirrors the conflicts in the world at large. (Kai Cheng Thom)

To demonstrate what I mean by this, I want to acknowledge that having a mediation doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it has a social context and meaning.  We are all embedded in power structures;  me too, which is one of the reasons why I describe my position in the mediation as multipartial (on everyone’s side and wanting everyone to have space to be understood) rather than impartial. Multipartiality is an antidote to my lived experiences that will resonate more with some of you than others. 

It can be helpful to name things transparently. This is where I experience access to power which is basically the ease with which I can meet needs:

White, educated, cis, experienced, English as first language, urban, London-based, global north,  status from being a mother, able-bodied, the facilitator for this dialogue

This is some of the areas where meeting needs is harder for me:

female, born working class, lower class, single parent of autistic child, neurodivergent (ADHD), menopausal/older, self-employed, queer

How I personally navigate areas where I have power is to listen more and be humble about what I don’t know about what other people are living with. Then it’s also helpful to speak up about areas where I have less power. I encourage this in mediations too.

7. Be compassionate about what is possible to achieve.

We have limited time to talk. You have had much more time organising or living  together so there is a lot that has happened in this time.  If a conflict has been avoided for a while, then there is a backlog of hurt to untangle. We won’t have time to talk about everything that has happened. I hope everyone has the space to talk about and be heard for some of your experience and that some progress is made in a couple of areas.  

The embodied experience of the process may then support you in the next steps in your project, team or your relationships.  

Expect to have insights after the mediation with the benefit of time and space.

Sometimes, it’s difficult in the intensity of the mediation to take everything in but after the event, you might reflect and understand more about your own experience and also another person’s.

I offer Pre Mediation and After Mediation Care suggestions for people in conflict processes I facilitate.

In a mediation, there is limited time to talk. You have had much more time organising or living  together so there is a lot that has happened and if a conflict has been around or avoided for a while, then there is a backlog of hurt to untangle. Be compassionate about what is possible to achieve.

Expect to have insights after the mediation with the benefit of time and space.

Sometimes, it’s difficult in the intensity of the mediation to take everything in but after the event, you might reflect and understand more about your own experience and also another person’s.

8. A non-punitive approach

The purpose of a mediation is different from a legal and punitive process, which is to determine right/wrong, innocent/guilty, and where someone is acting as judge. 

Our conditioning under punitive justice systems is very strong! It will lead to the fear of  being shamed and ostracised, and the desire for retribution and punishment. 

Have compassion for any reluctance to speak, any shame you feel about what has happened and also your desire for retribution, this ultimately  comes from a desire to ease the pain and to heal.

9. Lean into the mediators for support

We are rooting for you to make progress and believe strongly in the possibility of a restorative and transformative outcome. Ask us for support to express what you need to say if it feels unutterable. We will walk alongside you as you discover what’s going to move you all forward in this issue, even if you cannot currently begin to imagine what that could be like.

10. Celebrate progress

Mediators will celebrate each bit of progress and agreement along the way. Small agreements that everyone can live with are a huge step towards rebuilding trust. 

The cactus is my favourite symbol of what’s needed in relation to conflict. A cactus can endure extreme conditions and keeps growing. It produces beautiful flowers and nourishing fruit. In a planet that is getting warmer and suffering more from drought (not in the UK but elsewhere), these plants seem to be wayfarers for us.  I have been growing cactus from seed and propagating plants since the pandemic.